Behavioral Boundaries in a Digital Age
“Bringing you closer to the people and things you love.”
“Bringing you closer to the people and things you love” is what Instagram’s “About” section proudly states. Over the last several years, this couldn’t have been farther from the truth for me.
I caught myself prioritizing time on my phone over anything and everything else because I craved the escape it provides. I opened my phone almost as quickly as I opened my eyes each morning, already looking for a colorful distraction.
Sharing photos and videos with a community you truly care for is a wonderful idea. How often is that actually happening, though? For many of us, sharing on social media has become a nightmarish game of “Keeping Up with the Joneses” rather than a source of thoughtful, intentional connection. This was absolutely the case for me, and it’s why I’ve decided to set some boundaries.
Social media has become an elaborate game of Keeping Up With The Joneses.
I’m a small business owner, educator, and extrovert - Why on earth would I step away from such an incredible tool?
Instagram is designed to help with visibility and connection - a dream come true if you’re a small business owner looking to connect. It also eases the feelings of loneliness that pop up as friends have children and get-togethers become fewer and farther between.
I adore spending time with my friends, connecting with those I love, and creating content that’s educational, funny, and sincere - Instagram makes that possible. But at an enormous cost.
Creating and sharing behavior analysis content on IG is a passion of mine - but when it began taking over my mental space, I had to phase it out!
What Instagram Cost Me
My attention span was wrecked. I used to regularly sit and read for hours, I now struggle when I’m not constantly razzled and dazzled visually. My brain has adapted and now expects an unnatural level of visual stimulation provided by short-form entertainment. It goes further than this, though - my entire brain is now rewired to crave it.
My self-value plummeted. As someone with depression, my self-image has always been shaky, but the constant consumption of exclusively other people’s successes, beauty, and wealth gave me a warped sense of reality. I’m not a jealous person and didn’t wish them less success, instead I felt forever left behind and stuck.
My motivation was in the wrong places. As I’ve shared before, motivation is never gone, but it shifts around - I explain that, here! - and I found mine shifting in a major way. I’m a self-starter and enjoy finding problems, drawing up a solution, and executing it. Instagram started to give me false problems and left me coming up with solutions that went nowhere. I was forever trying to keep up, prove myself, or impress people in the hopes that at some point, I would feel better. Chasing these make-believe problems took energy away from my company, family, and health.
My values almost fell right out the window. I’m not looking to sell you on my ideas or content. My approach has always been staunchly “I have a science that works for me, maybe others would like to try it, too.” I provide services and I love what I do! Being online made me feel wrong for not selling harder, pushing more, or making more money from my “audience.” Even though that “audience” was the community I’d worked so hard to build and connect with at a genuine level.
My identity became confusing. I am someone who prides myself on having sustainable health habits as a mother of a toddler - not someone who chases visible abs. I found myself turning down my son’s sweet (often soggy) offerings of half of his cookie to save my calories - that’s not who I am!
How did Instagram Take Over?
I’ll break this down in terms of behavior, think of Instagram as a “reward” I am chasing.
There’s a cue or trigger in the environment that causes a strong feeling, often stress, anxiety, or excitement.
My phone is available to numb that feeling slightly, e.g. - if I’m anxious or stressed it will allow me to escape by distraction, or amplify it, e.g. - excitement to be shared with a friend.
I pick up my phone, open Instagram, and immediately feel a sense of peace in the escape from the real-world.
When I put my phone down, I wonder if my friend has replied yet or if she’s left me on read. This thought causes anxiety, so I pick my phone up again and the loop replays.
Behavior is a simple formula - if I enjoy the effect of a behavior, I will continue doing it. Instagram and Meta (their parent company) know how to use this and keep us coming back. Our attention has been commodified, as long as we continue to engage with their platforms, they make money off our attention.
Once I was aware of this, many years ago, my relationship with social media became strained. I realized a company was intentionally manipulating my behavior through their apps and, as a behavior analyst, I struggled with that concept. If I’m not controlling my behavior, who is?
A Behavior Analyst’s Solution
Behavior is dictated by reinforcement, not motivation. So, I had to get rid of the source of reinforcement - social media itself and the escape it offered. I decided to take the apps off of my phone for a small period of time initially, and then gradually add more time. Eventually, I decided to keep it off my phone entirely.
Removing the Reinforcement isn’t Enough on Its Own.
The function of Instagram was to allow me to escape my life, stress, and negative feelings. I’d grown dependent on that, so quitting cold turkey wasn’t a good solution. In order to be sure I didn’t slip back into mindless use I did the following:
Determined a replacement behavior based on the function.
What was I getting out of Instagram? Escape/distraction. I had to find another way of escaping that felt more aligned with my values. Some alternatives I chose were getting outside and walking, calling a close friend or family member, and reading books I could lose myself into.
2. Set rules around the behavior itself.
Instagram and social media apps are the way I connect with those closes to me - so I knew I’d be drawn back into it. To prevent this, I allowed myself access to a few of the apps, including Snapchat and Reddit. These allowed me to share photos with my family members who live far away and access news/memes.
3. Created competing contingencies.
I set up opportunities and environments that made me less likely to be on my phone, simply because I wanted to access something else. I spent time at the gym, talking with colleagues instead of staying in my office between clients, or doing my nails - these activities decreased the value of escape in the moment and made it much harder to be on my phone.
Up Next: Addressing the root issue - Tolerating uncomfortable emotions.
Looking at my anxiety, depression, and fear in the face is not easy and it will not be quick fix. I want to disappear into the lives of other people every day through that screen, but I know that’s not going to give me lasting peace or happiness. Escaping this, rather than facing them, will lead to festering and emotional infection. So, I will be taking this time to dive deeper into what I am so desperate to escape from.
What Has Changed?
Next blog post, I’ll share more about the differences I’ve seen since decreasing my phone time. Some have really surprised me, like how my driving has changed!
What has helped the most is being patient in this process, remembering why I’m doing this, and allowing slip-ups to happen while understanding I will pivot as needed to make lasting progress.
Setting Your Own Digital Boundaries
When do you find yourself losing time to your screens? Notice when you’re checking your phone more often and what apps tend to pull you in. You can check your screen time and look at trends over longer periods of time, too! Once you see when you’re on your phone more, you can ask yourself “What is happening during those times that pushes me to pick up my phone?”
Challenge yourself to find a different habit to adopt in those moments. One that is more aligned and consistent with the life you want to lead.
Need help? Reach out! I’ve been where you are and want to help you make the change.
